The 3 L’s in Site

87 days…

In 87 days I think I have both accomplished more that I have in 20 years and also been broken the most. For me I would say that I started quarantining myself around March 13th, 2020 which would have been the end of my daughter’s spring break.

So 87 days from today which is June 8, 2020, (give or take a few days). Here is what I think I have both learned, lost, and loved.

I learned..

I have learned that the best way for me to move on is to just jump in and do it. I moved to a different city in April. It was fast and done without much hesitation. I shed things that I had been holding on to for my own insecurities and although they are missed it was necessary. We never really know what we are capable of until we are put in situations that test us. I think it is safe to say that we all are being tested as of late. (unless ofcourse you are in your element right now) I learned that it is okay to let my gaurd down and allow some people to be in my circle. Some of us have a circle that we either keep people on the inside or the outside … I have a freaking bullseye. There’s layers to this thang!

Life is a neverending cycle of learning and I am happy and blessed that I am learning during this time when things are in the state they are. I am happy because it makes me appreciate things as we had them before and have an understanding of the things that I can do better.

I Lost…

I lost my crutches when I moved. The first night that I slept in my bed and woke up with no family there I could not explain the feeling that I had. A moment of desolation and I did not know how to unpack that. I think that if you have moments of sadness you should always take the time that you need to experience that pain or those less desirable feelings.

It’s okay to be vulnerable. I think the only thing really lost for me is just the feeling of being alone. I lost the world of constantly being around people. Because of COVID I have lost the plans that of travel that I intended on partaking in. Traveling for me is a release and this summer is a defining moment for many.

I lost the inability to censor myself. I have allowed myself to be as BLACK, as WEIRD, as ARYIEL as I want to be. I will not allow myself to be subjected to censoring to make other feel comfortable. GET UNCOMFORTABLE so you can move and find out something new about yourself.

I loved…

I loved finally having my tranquil place to experiment with growing herbs, and canceling out the noise. To say that EVERYTHING has lived is false! I am learning though how to grow and how to fail in that growth as well. My sage and mint yall are DECEASED! But I will try again and maybe try some different things to help with their temperment. Also, I have a north facing balcony yall which is more than annoying. (because I now know that this is a thing I should have paid attention to)

I loved through the inability to see an end in all of the negative going on right now. What have I gained from that? Well, to be honest with you I have gained peace. What is for me is for me and what is not will fade out. I love that about life right now. A true change in chapter and understanding. Before I defined my own chapters in my life and now, well now I love through the page flip and allow the chapter to be written all on its own.